Maybe We’ve Got Self-Care All Wrong
I love a good pedicure.
I love coffee with a friend.
I love working in my garden.
Basically, I love doing things that fill my cup.
So when I ask the question, does our perspective on self-care need to change? I’m NOT suggesting we stop caring for ourselves and stop doing the things we love.
BUT… I do think we need to ask ourselves an important question:
When did self-care become so much about self?
We’re told, You can’t pour from an empty cup. Protect your peace. Put yourself first. Do what makes you happy.
And yet, as Christian women, we’re also called to serve, sacrifice, consider the needs of others, and follow the example of Jesus.
So how do we reconcile the two?
Maybe the problem isn’t self-care at all. Maybe we simply need a better definition of it.
What if caring for ourselves isn’t about putting ourselves first—but about faithfully stewarding the bodies, minds, and lives God has given us so we’re better equipped to love Him and love the people He’s placed in front of us?
Women—especially moms—spend so much of their lives caring for others. We make meals, do laundry, drive kids everywhere, work, keep track of schedules, remember appointments, care for our homes, nurture relationships, and carry a thousand little details in our heads.
Sometimes we are tired.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing that we need rest, refreshment, and yes, occasionally a little pampering.
But I wonder if somewhere along the way, we’ve taken this idea of self-care too far—and perhaps in the wrong direction.
So much of the messaging surrounding self-care today seems to sound something like this:
You deserve this.
Put yourself first.
Do what makes you happy.
Protect your peace.
You don’t owe anyone anything.
The underlying message can quickly become: It’s all about me.
But as Christian women, we are called to look at life through a different lens.
Philippians 2:3–4 says:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
That’s very different from much of what our culture tells us.
That being said, I don’t believe the answer is to swing completely in the opposite direction and neglect ourselves either. Maybe we don’t need less self-care. Maybe we need a better definition of it.
What If Self-Care Is Actually Stewardship?
What if instead of asking, “What do I deserve?” we began asking, “How can I care for myself in a way that helps me faithfully live the life God has called me to?”
That’s a very different way of looking at self-care.
Our bodies, our minds, our time, our energy, and even our limitations are gifts from God. Taking care of them isn’t necessarily selfish.
It can be stewardship.
And perhaps instead of thinking about “filling our cup” simply so that we feel better, we can think about filling our cup so that we have something to pour out to others.
Our husbands.
Our children.
Our grandchildren.
Our friends.
Our churches.
Our communities.
The people God has placed right in front of us.
Self-care doesn’t have to make me the center of my life. Healthy self-care can help equip me to better love and serve the people God has called me to love.
So what might that look like?
1. Care for Your Soul First
Before we talk about massages, manicures, vacations, hobbies, or alone time, let’s begin with the kind of care we need most.
Time with God.
Time in His Word. Prayer. Worship. Quiet. Sitting in His presence and allowing Him to remind us what is true.
I will be the first to tell you that there are days when I sit and have my quiet time with God: reading the Bible, praying, being still.
But there are also days when I’m headed to bed and have not made time for Him in my day.
Inevitably, the days I make time for God in my morning are the days that I feel more at peace.
Jesus Himself withdrew from the crowds to pray. He understood the importance of stepping away and spending time with His Father.
Sometimes we think we need an escape when what our weary souls really need is Jesus.
There is a deeper and longer-lasting kind of refreshment that a pedicure simply can’t give us.
So before asking, “What would make me feel better?” perhaps we first ask:
“What does my soul need?”
2. Take Care of the Body God Gave You
Taking care of ourselves physically isn’t selfish either. I have learned that I went 50 years of my life dehydrated. I never used to drink water.
I’ll be the first to admit that I still don’t drink as much water as I should, but I’m doing much better than I used to. And now I can tell when I’m not getting enough. I feel sluggish, my brain feels foggy, I don’t sleep as well, and sometimes even my heartbeat feels a little off.
It’s amazing how our bodies let us know when something is missing.
Let’s make sure you are doing the following:
- Drinking enough water.
- Getting enough sleep.
- Eating food that nourishes your body.
- Moving your body.
These things may not feel very glamorous, and they may seem obvious, but they are some of the most practical forms of self-care. When we get so consumed with caring for others, we can easily neglect our own basic needs.
Our bodies have limitations. We cannot continually run on empty and expect it never to affect the way we interact with the people around us. When I’m tired, I’m not at my best. I am impatient, have brain fog, and feel easily overwhelmed.
Taking care of our physical health is one way we steward the body God has given us.
3. Rest Before You Reach Empty
Some of us are much better at doing than resting. I’m a doer by nature. I’m much more comfortable accomplishing something than doing nothing. But I’m learning that sometimes the best thing I can do is stop doing and simply be.
I’ve heard it said this way, “We are human beings, not human doings.“
This verse in Psalms says it all.
Psalm 46:10: “Be still, and know that I am God.”
You can read more about being still in my post Rest for Busy Moms: Be Still and Know
There is always another load of laundry. Another email. Another room that could be cleaned. Another errand to run.
But God created us with limits.
Rest isn’t laziness. And rest isn’t necessarily escaping our responsibilities.
Sometimes rest equips us to return to our responsibilities well.
I can go and go and go, and then my body hits a wall and says, “Nope, you need to rest.” There was a time when I pushed through and kept going anyway, but now I’m much better at listening to my body and working on not feeling guilty when I do.
If I do this, my body responds and rewards me.
What about you? How do you react when your body is telling you something isn’t right?
Maybe you need to go to bed earlier.
Maybe you need an afternoon on the couch with a book.
Maybe you need to leave something undone.
Maybe you need to say no to something that doesn’t belong on your calendar in this season.
There was a season when my children were 16 down to 6, and our lives were full of activities. Life was getting so overwhelming that I had to say no more often than I wanted. I said no to good things and activities I loved being part of. But I clearly felt God telling me no in that season of life.
There will always be more we could do. Wisdom helps us recognize when it’s time to stop.
4. Make Room for Things That Bring You Joy
I also think there is room in a mama’s life for things she simply enjoys.
Read the book.
Plant the garden. I write about this in my post Finding Joy in the Garden
Arrange the flowers. Flowers have become my hobby over the last couple of years.
Meet a friend for coffee.
Take the walk.
Bake something.
Sit on the porch.
Go away for the weekend with your husband.
Get your nails done if you enjoy getting your nails done!
Not everything we do has to be productive. Let me say that again: Not everything we do has to be productive.
If you are a doer, hear me when I say, I understand you. But what I’ve learned is that being still IS productive. It produces peace, joy, rest, and fuel for moving forward more effectively.
God has filled this world with good things, and it’s okay to enjoy them.
The question isn’t whether something benefits you.
The better question might be:
Has it found its proper place in my life?
There is a difference between enjoying the good gifts God gives us and building our lives around our own comfort.
5. Let Self-Care Help You Love Others Better
Here’s a question I think can help us evaluate the way we’re caring for ourselves:
Does the way I’m caring for myself help me return to my people more refreshed, patient, present, and able to love them well?
If it does, that’s a beautiful thing.
But if “self-care” becomes “I deserve this,” I want to gently ask you to reconsider your thinking.
Motherhood is hard. Motherhood will sometimes be inconvenient.
There will be nights when the baby needs you more than you need sleep.
There will be times when your teenager decides to tell you everything that’s happening in her life just when you’re ready to go to bed.
There will be days when your family needs you, and you’d rather have some time to yourself.
Love is sometimes sacrificial.
And yet, we can also recognize that continually pouring from an empty cup isn’t healthy for us—or for the people we love.
It’s not either/or.
It’s wisdom.
A Better Question
Maybe the question isn’t, “Am I doing enough self-care?”
And maybe it isn’t even, “Do I deserve this?”
Perhaps a better question is:
“Lord, what do I need in this season to be faithful to what You’ve called me to?”
Sometimes the answer may be rest.
Sometimes it may be asking for help.
Sometimes it may be getting up early to spend quiet time with God, taking a walk, meeting a friend for coffee, or doing something simply because it brings you joy.
And sometimes the answer may be pressing on when you’re tired because someone you love genuinely needs you.
There isn’t a formula for self-care because our needs—and the needs of our families—change with every season. What restored you when you had toddlers may look very different when you’re raising teenagers. And it will change again when your children leave home.
Jesus never promised us a life of comfort. He called us to a life of love—and love will sometimes require sacrifice. But He also never asked us to carry everything in our own strength.
So maybe that’s where we begin.
Not with What do I deserve?
But with:
“Lord, what do You have for me today—and what do I need from You to faithfully walk in it?”
With love,
Kim 🧡
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