How to Cultivate Deeper Connections With Your Children—No Matter What Age
When our son Jordan was 18, he decided he wanted to get a tattoo. He was away at college, and tattooing was on the rise. While he wanted a tattoo, he also knew how his dad felt about them at the time.
What has always stayed with me isn’t the tattoo itself—it’s what happened before it.
Out of respect for his dad, Jordan came to him and asked for his blessing. After taking some time to pray and think about it, Jeff asked him if he would be willing to wait until he turned 21.
I’m sure Jordan was disappointed, but he didn’t argue or try to convince us otherwise. He said okay and waited.
Three years passed, and when Jordan celebrated his 21st birthday, he still wanted that tattoo. His desire hadn’t faded with time, which told us it wasn’t an impulsive decision. So, as a birthday gift, Jeff and I gave him our blessing—and the tattoo.
Jordan has Galatians 2:20 tattooed on the inside of his arm—a reminder that his life belongs to Christ.
Looking back, the greatest lesson wasn’t really about the tattoo. It was about the mutual respect between a father and son. Jordan honored his dad’s request, and in return, Jeff respected Jordan’s decision to get one when the time was right.
That moment has always stayed with me because respect has a way of strengthening relationships, even when we don’t completely agree.
The reason I share that story isn’t the tattoo—it’s the relationship behind it. That conversation was rooted in years of trust, respect, and connection. And that’s exactly what I want to explore today: how we can intentionally cultivate deeper connections with our children.
Show Them The Way
Let’s begin with you and me as parents. We are the greatest example our children will see of how to live the Christian life. To earn your children’s respect, it’s important to…
- Practice what you preach.
- Lead by example
- And remember that actions speak louder than words
Ephesians 4:1-2 I urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
I could spend a lot of time on this, but for the sake of time I’ll say if you are NOT living the life you expect from your children, in other words, NOT walking in a manner worthy, they will not respect you and likely not live that life.
Deep connection is difficult, if not impossible, without respect. And that is why I have to touch on respect first. I’ve got a post on respect called The Importance of Teaching Respect at Home
Teaching and earning respect begins when your children are young, but that being said, it’s NEVER too late to establish respect in your home.
Respect isn’t something we demand—it’s something we cultivate over time.
Our children learn to respect us when they see us living with integrity, keeping our word, communicating with kindness, disciplining with love, following through with consequences, seeking reconciliation after conflict, extending grace, offering forgiveness, and loving them unconditionally through every season.
We can never do these things perfectly, but we can be characterized by those qualities most of the time.
Selflessness Leads the Way
Motherhood is, at its core, an exercise in selflessness.
One of the most selfless gifts we can give our children is raising them with their best interests—not our own—at the center of our decisions.
As I’ve looked back over the years, especially as I’ve entered the season of parenting adult children, this is one of the greatest lessons God has been teaching me.
So often, our instinct is to hold on tightly, protect, or even shape our children into what we envision for them. I know because I’ve done it. But true, biblical motherhood calls us to something higher.
It calls us to set aside our own desires, expectations, and agendas so we can lovingly guide our children toward God’s best for their lives.
Today, our four children live in four different states.
If I were writing our story, we’d all live on a family compound like the Robertsons from Duck Dynasty. That sounds pretty close to heaven to me! I would love having my grandchildren running in and out of the house, family dinners every week, and everyone just a few steps away.
But God had a different plan for our family, and I am okay with that.
One of the greatest lessons He’s taught me as the mom of adult children is to trust His plans more than my own. While my heart would love to have them all close by, I’ve learned to celebrate where God has planted each of them.
They may not live down the street, but they are building beautiful, fruitful lives exactly where God has called them. And as much as I miss them, there is great joy in watching Him faithfully work in their lives.
I’ve discovered that loving our adult children often means holding them with open hands and trusting that the God who loves them even more than we do knows exactly where they need to be. This is what matters.
I’m beyond thankful that despite the miles between us, we still have close, loving relationships with each of our children.
When our children know that every decision we make is rooted in genuine love and a desire for them to flourish, trust deepens, relationships grow stronger, and our influence lasts far beyond the years they live under our roof.
10 Ways to Strengthen Connection
1. Time
Consistently and intentionally plan quality time with them. No matter how old they are. You make the effort. Seek them out. Make a date. Let them know they are a priority to you.
When you are with them…be with them. Don’t be distracted by your thoughts, your phone, your job. Your kids will notice.
2. Show love and affection
Consistently show love and affection, no matter their age. Be an AWE mom. I found this acronym AWE in a book by Jim Burns. The book is called Doing Life With Your Adult Children. It is a very insightful and helpful book for parenting adult children. I highly recommend it if you are getting close to that stage or already there.
- A-Affectionate
- W-Warm
- E-Encouraging
Always, always, always tell them you love them. Pull them in for a hug even if they resist.
3. Be a good listener
When listening to your children, remember this. For girls, face-to-face, eye to eye. For boys, side-by-side works better.
If I wanted to connect with my daughter, I would sit on the edge of her bed. If I wanted to connect with my boys, I’d get them in the car or ask them to go on a walk with me.
Let them talk. Don’t try to fix everything. Just listen. We tend to be working on our response before they’re finished talking. When we do that, we aren’t truly listening. You don’t have to have all the answers.
4. Make sure they feel safe
Your child needs to know that no matter what, you will love them and be there for them.
When conflict or disappointment arises, communicate, reach a resolution, and, most importantly, reconcile.
Ephesians 4:26: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.“
Your children need to know that you will love them and forgive them no matter what.
5. Connect with Food.
Make family meals together a priority. Did you know that only 38% of Gen Z adults reported having regular family meals during their upbringing? (Gen Z is 1997 to 2012)
One of my passions is to see this change and revert to families spending time at the table together. The American Heart Association says,
An overwhelming 91% of parents observed that their families experience less stress when sharing meals.
Outside of family mealtime, make it a point to take them to Starbucks, Dunkin’, Donuts, Chick-fil-A, Taco Bell, or Sushi, etc. They usually won’t say no, and you get some quality time with them.
I feel like so much of what we do revolves around food. Use that to your advantage.
Connect through their stomachs!
6. Establish Traditions
Traditions don’t have to be elaborate to be meaningful. They can be as simple as family game nights, movie nights, Taco Tuesdays, Friday pizza nights, or Saturday morning bacon and pancakes.
While we often think of traditions around Christmas, some of the most meaningful ones are the simple rhythms we repeat throughout the year. Those ordinary moments become the memories our children carry with them long after they’ve left home.
For our family, one of those traditions was chocolate chip cookies. Somehow they found their way into almost every celebration, family gathering, and special occasion while our kids were growing up.
- Traditions strengthen bonds– they provide a sense of connection and unity among family members, fostering closer relationships.
- Traditions give your family identity and create a sense of belonging.
- Traditions encourage togetherness.
7. Create phone-free moments
One of the simplest ways to cultivate connection is to intentionally set technology aside. Consider making family dinners, game nights, and even car rides phone-free whenever possible.
It was our experience that the car was one of the best places for conversation. Of course, there are exceptions—long road trips or the occasional homework assignment—but in everyday life, those uninterrupted moments together are priceless.
I know some of you may be thinking, “My kids would never go for that!” But remember, as parents, we have the opportunity to set healthy boundaries. While phones are wonderful tools, they can also become distractions that keep us from the very relationships we want to strengthen.
8. Participate in their world
Identify what your children are passionate about and learn as much as you can about it. Find things to connect about.
One of our children loved Harry Potter books when he was in middle school. I needed to find a way to connect with that child during those middle school years, and Harry Potter gave us a way to do that. While Harry Potter was not something I enjoyed, I read it to connect with that child.
9. Have fun
Having fun together should be something you intentionally plan. Laugh and play together. Play games, watch movies, even do pranks on dad. Whatever it takes. Have fun with your children.
Learn to laugh at yourself. When you mess up or say something silly, laugh at yourself. A person who laughs at themself is endearing.
10. Pray together
A family that prays together stays together. We prayed together at meals. We grabbed hands and had a moment to thank God for his provision.
1 Thessalonians 5:17 Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
Praying together brings you closer to God and closer to each other.
In Conclusion
I go back to my initial sentiment that motherhood is the most unselfish thing you will do.
I have this sign on our wall at home. I bought it just a month after our only daughter got married. It says this.
To our children we give two things; one is roots and the other is wings.
That says it all. Your job is to give them roots and wings. If you do that, the connection you seek will be better than you could have ever dreamed.
We are incredibly thankful for the bountiful grace God has shed on our family. We messed up so much, and yet here we are today, blessed to have solid “healthy” relationships with each of our children. My heart’s desire is for you to have a deep connection with your children now and when they are adults.
I pray these little tidbits will help you on your journey to cultivate deeper connections with your children.
From my heart to yours,
Kim
Kim Grant Home
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