Letting Go While Holding On: Staying Connected in the Empty Nest Season
There’s a quiet shift that happens in motherhood…empty nesthood, and to be honest, IT HIT ME HARD. I don’t remember hearing a lot of my older friends lamenting it or struggling with it. Why wasn’t it talked about, and why didn’t anyone warn me?
I know why now. It’s a difficult time in a mother’s life, at least it was in mine.
No one really prepares you for the quiet ache that settles in your heart as your babies leave the nest.
There’s a feeling every mom knows—having all her little chickadees under one roof—and it’s something so special, so unmatched. And then, one day, it’s simply different.
I’ve come to realize it’s not something you can fully prepare for… It’s a journey we all walk in our own time.
After years of full days, busy schedules, and being needed in a hundred different ways, a hundred different times a day, the house has grown quiet. The rhythms you’ve known for years change. And suddenly, the role you once carried so fully begins to look different.
The nest is empty.
If I’m honest, this has been in some ways a sweet transition, but also one of the most difficult transitions of motherhood.
Because when you’ve truly loved being a mom—when it’s been part of the very fabric of who you are—learning to let go can feel… complicated, and you can feel lost.
You raised them to be independent, good people, and you want them to fly...but flying means giving them space, and that is where it gets hard.
You want them to grow, to thrive, to build their own lives. This is what you’ve prepared them for.
And yet, your heart still longs to stay close, to be connected, to be part of their everyday.
So how do we do both?
How do we let go… while still holding on?
The Shift
In those earlier years, motherhood was very hands-on—sometimes VERY hands-on 😄 Little hands on us, on everything… and yes, at times it could feel a bit overwhelming.
We guided, corrected, scheduled, and showed up in every detail of their days.
But in this season, our role gently shifts.
We move from managing their lives…
to being a safe place within it.
From directing…
to supporting.
From constant presence…
to intentional connection.
Even as parents of adult children, we must remain intentional…maybe even more so.
Staying Connected Without Holding Too Tightly
Connection in this season looks different—but it can still be deep, meaningful, and life-giving.
I can say that with more ease today than I could a few years ago. I was in a state of grief and loss, and not in the headspace of understanding what my new role looked like.
So while I say it like it’s easy, trust me when I say, it’s not, and it wasn’t for me.
Sometimes adult children need to step away a little to find their independence. This is totally normal and beautiful, and how God designed it.
But when you are in the midst of it, it can feel heart-wrenching and painful, and you question whether this is what your future holds.
When our youngest, the last to leave the nest, got married, she moved six hours away. She had a new husband, job, life, church, and I felt lost.
This was my girl who called on her way to class, on her way to work, and multiple times a day for no reason at all. Suddenly, life for both of us was very different.
My mentor and dear friend saw my despair and reminded me how good it was that she wasn’t calling me every day, that she wasn’t sad and missing home, but that she was thriving and living her new life abundantly. She reminded me that we did a good job and raised her to be independent.
She felt confident our relationship would be stronger than ever with time, and I needed to be patient and understanding. I struggled, and it was a rough year, but my mentor was right, and our connection is stronger than ever.
Here are a few things I’ve learned (and am still learning to be honest) to stay connected while giving space.
Let Them Take the Lead (Sometimes)
This can be one of the hardest parts. My husband and I are very intentional about staying connected, while being careful not to place expectations or undue pressure on our adult children.
They have families of their own now, and that rightfully comes first.
I’ve learned that holding my hands open before God—releasing my expectations to Him—is not only best for them, but for me as well.
As moms, we’re used to initiating everything—but now, giving them space to reach out allows the relationship to grow naturally. It doesn’t mean pulling away completely, but rather creating room for them to step toward you.
Our children often reach out and, by God’s grace, want to stay connected to us, and for this, we are so grateful.
We’ve learned a lot over the past several years, but we are in a good place and work very hard at staying connected without holding on too tightly.
Keep Communication Light, Warm, and Consistent
A simple text. A quick “thinking of you.” A photo from your day. These are all ways to stay connected.
My husband does this pretty well. He sends a little picture from his day (maybe once or twice a week), especially since he is not as easily accessible during his workday as I am.
Connection doesn’t always have to be deep and long—it can be small, steady touches that remind them you’re there without overwhelming them. My boys will often call on their way home or to work. It’s not long, but it’s those little touches that mean so much.
When my adult children call me on the phone, I don’t have expectations of a long, in-depth conversation. However, if THEY want one, I’m there for it. I let them take the lead and give me what they have to give, even if it’s 5 minutes on their way to work.
I’m just thankful for the intentional touches and that I get to hear their voice or see their face, even if it’s just briefly.
My job when they call is to listen, ask questions…and not give my opinion when I’m not asked for it. That is the best way to be there to support them in whatever way I can.
Be a Safe Place, Not a Fixer
When they come to you, resist the urge to solve everything. This is a mama’s natural inclination, including mine. I am working hard at being a sounding board and a soft place to land.
Most times, what they need most is a listening ear… a place where they feel heard, not corrected. This is what keeps them coming back, and the goal is to stay connected. Staying connected benefits both them and me. It’s mutually beneficial.
In Doing Life With Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out, Jim Burns talks about how his adult children don’t necessarily want his advice unless they ask for it. Rather than jumping in, he encourages parents to pause and ask three simple questions.
“Do you want me to just listen?”
“Do you want my advice?”
“Do you want me to do something?”
GENIUS! I love these questions. They have been so helpful when dealing with my own adult children.
By the way, if you haven’t read his book, YOU SHOULD!
Celebrate Who They’re Becoming
This season is about watching them step into their own lives.
Encourage them. Affirm them. Let them know you see the good in who they are becoming. I’ve spoken a lot about speaking identity into your children. They still need this from you as an adult.
Speaking identity into adult children looks different than it did when they were little… but it’s just as powerful, maybe even more.
At its core, it’s reminding your children of:
- who they are in Christ
- what you see in them
- the truth about their life
Not correcting.
Not shaping.
But affirming and calling out what is already there.
I’ll touch on this topic more in a later post 🥰
Create Meaningful Moments When You’re Together
Time together may look different now—but it can still be special.
A shared meal. A walk. A weekend visit or trip to Bar Harbor 😊
Be present. Put the phone down. Soak it in.
The Beauty of This Season
As hard as it can be, there is something incredibly beautiful about this stage of life and motherhood.
More time with hubby, less laundry, free time to pursue hobbies and dreams, and so much more.
But more importantly, you begin to see the fruit of all those years.
The seeds planted in ordinary days… now growing into something lasting.
And while your role has changed, your influence has not ended; it just looks a little different.
A Gentle Reminder
Sweet mama, if your heart aches in this season—you’re not alone.
Letting go doesn’t mean losing connection.
It simply means loving differently.
And that love?
It still matters.
It still shapes.
It still reaches them—sometimes in ways you may never fully see.
Hold them with open hands.
Love them with a steady heart.
And trust that what you’ve built over the years is strong enough to carry into this next season.
Because it is 🤎
From this empty nest mama’s heart to yours.
Kim 💗
