What About Being Your Child’s Best Friend?
One of the things I hear from moms quite often is:
“I just want to be my child’s best friend.”
Can I tell you something?
I completely understand that desire, and I know it comes from a good place. I hear it especially often from moms of daughters.
Somewhere along the way, being your daughter’s “best friend” has almost become an expectation of motherhood.
It’s all over social media, and if we’re not careful, it can get in our heads and leave us wondering, What am I doing wrong? What can I do better to create that kind of relationship with my daughter?
Of course we want close relationships with our children. We want them to enjoy being with us, trust us, and confide in us. Those are beautiful desires.
But I’d like to gently challenge the idea that friendship should be the goal.
Our calling as a mom isn’t to raise a best friend for ourselves. It’s to lovingly raise our children into adults who know, love, and follow Jesus.
Ironically, when we embrace our role as parents first, we often end up with the very friendship we hoped for.
Friendship Is the Fruit, Not the Goal
Looking back, I can honestly say that the friendship we enjoy with our adult children grew out of years of intentional parenting.
It wasn’t the starting point. It was the harvest.
Friendship is the fruit, not the goal.
As a young mom, I wanted my children to know they could talk to me about anything. I wanted them to laugh with me, enjoy spending time with me, and know without question that they were deeply loved.
Those desires weren’t wrong.
What would have been wrong is to allow my desire to be liked to outweigh my God-given responsibility to lead my children.
There’s also an important distinction between friendship and parenting.
A best friendship is a relationship between equals. Neither person is primarily responsible for leading, protecting, correcting, or making decisions for the other. But when our children are young, God has given us that responsibility. We are their parents, not their peers.
Loving our children sometimes requires the following:
- Sometimes, loving our children means saying no.
- Sometimes it means enforcing consequences.
- Sometimes it means allowing them to be disappointed.
- Sometimes it means having hard conversations they would rather avoid.
None of those moments feel like friendship.
But every one of them can strengthen a relationship when they are rooted in love, respect, and connection. See more on connection in my post, How to Cultivate Deeper Connections With Your Children—No Matter What Age
The close relationship we enjoy with our adult children today wasn’t built by trying to be their peer.
It was built over years of loving them enough to set boundaries, hold them accountable, offer grace, ask forgiveness when we failed, and consistently choose what was best for them—even when it wasn’t the easiest path.
Looking back, I can honestly say that our friendship today grew out of years of parenting with intentionality.
It wasn’t the starting point. It was the harvest. Friendship is the fruit, not the goal.
The Fear of Being Disliked
I think one of the greatest fears many parents carry is this:
What if my child gets upset with me?
What if they don’t like me?
What if they say, “I hate you”?
Those moments can be painful. No parent wants to hear “I hate you.”
Hate was actually a word we didn’t allow in our home. Our children were allowed to be angry, frustrated, and disappointed—but intentionally using words to hurt someone else wasn’t acceptable.
Often, “I hate you” is really a child’s way of saying, I’m angry with you. I don’t like this boundary. I want you to change your mind.
And that’s where parenting can get hard. We have to be able to hear their disappointment without allowing it to determine our decision.
A parent might respond:
“I can see that you’re really angry with me right now. You’re allowed to be angry, but you’re not allowed to speak to me disrespectfully. When you’re ready, we can talk about what’s really bothering you.”
No loving parent enjoys disappointing their child or hearing those words.
Sometimes the hardest thing we can do as a mama is hold the line.
Consistency matters. Children may push against boundaries—and they certainly won’t always like them—but clear expectations and consistent follow-through provide security.
Security comes from knowing someone loves you enough to hold the line, even when you push against it.
But if our goal is to keep our children happy so they’ll like us, we can begin neglecting our God-given responsibility to lead them. In chasing their approval, we may sacrifice something far more valuable—our influence.
Love Leads
And this kind of loving authority isn’t just about rules. It’s about leadership.
Dr. Leonard Sax made a statement on a podcast that deeply resonated with me…
He explained that healthy families—and healthy societies—flourish when parents lead with loving authority. “Children thrive when they have parents who establish clear expectations, healthy boundaries, and the consistency to follow through.”
But loving authority doesn’t mean creating distance between you and your child. Quite the opposite.
Connection Makes Correction Easier
One of the biggest misconceptions about parenting is that boundaries and connection are opposites.
They’re not. In fact, healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Children are far more likely to receive correction from parents they know are consistently present, affectionate, and invested in their lives.
When we’ve spent time listening, laughing, praying, playing, and simply being together, correction doesn’t feel like rejection. It feels like love. That’s why connection should always surround correction.
Spend time with your children. Know what they love. Laugh often. Apologize when you’re wrong. Ask good questions. Be the safest place they can bring their struggles.
Then, when difficult conversations come—and they will—they’ll know your heart.
The Beautiful Surprise
Here’s the beautiful irony. Parents who spend years faithfully leading their children often discover something wonderful on the other side of adulthood. Their children choose to become their friends.
Not because they were treated like equals when they were eight. But because they were loved, guided, protected, and respected throughout their childhood. That’s the kind of relationship that lasts.
It’s built on love. It’s strengthened by respect. And it’s rooted in years of connection and intentionality.
So, mama, don’t be afraid to parent. Biblical parenting isn’t harsh, but neither is it passive. We can be gentle and still have boundaries. We can listen to our children and still say no. We can validate their feelings without allowing their feelings to determine our decisions. We can lead with both grace and authority.
Your children need you to be their parent, not their best friend while they’re growing up in your home. They’ll have many friends throughout childhood, but they’ll only have one mom. And what a beautiful, important role that is.
Your child doesn’t need another best friend. They need you.
Today, my daughter and I have the kind of relationship I hoped we would have someday. We talk, laugh, enjoy being together, and genuinely consider each other friends. But that friendship didn’t come because I tried to be her best friend when she was growing up. I was willing to be her mom first—even when that meant she wasn’t always happy with me.
And now I get to enjoy the beautiful fruit of those years.
And one day, as you faithfully embrace the role God has given you, you may discover something beautiful:
The friendship you longed for was growing all along.
From my heart to yours,
Kim
Kim Grant Home
RELATED POSTS:
