Intentional Parenting: Why Today’s Parenting Choices Matter More Than You Think
One of my greatest joys over the past twelve years has been encouraging moms on their journey of motherhood. If there’s one thing I’ve learned after being a daughter, raising four children, mentoring moms, and now watching my own children become parents, it’s this:
Parenting doesn’t happen by accident.
Every day we’re either intentionally building the kind of family relationships we hope to have tomorrow—or we’re simply reacting to the demands of today. In other words, action versus reaction.
The truth is, motherhood can feel overwhelming. There are diapers to change, lunches to pack, homework to oversee, attitudes to correct, schedules to juggle, and endless decisions to make. It’s easy to spend our days putting out fires without ever asking ourselves an important question:
What kind of relationship do I want with my children 20 years from now?
That question has shaped the way we’ve parented. Were we going to fly by the seat of our pants or were we going to lead the way with intention?
Our heart’s desire was to have children who loved God, loved us, were respectful, kind, forgiving, humble, hardworking, good communicators, and confident.
But how do we achieve that?
By setting goals, being intentional, and working hard.
A Story I’ll Never Forget
Last summer, our family gathered in the Outer Banks for vacation. It was one of those weeks I’d looked forward to for months.
On our second evening together, we gathered around the table for one of our favorite family traditions: game night. We’re a competitive bunch, but we laugh even harder than we compete, and those evenings around the table have become some of my favorite moments together.
As the night was winding down, two of my adult sons found themselves in a disagreement about the game. It wasn’t a major argument, but you could feel the tension around the table. The laughter disappeared, and the evening ended on a bit of a sour note.
As moms, we feel those moments deeply, don’t we?
By then, my husband had already turned in for the night, so he was blissfully unaware of what had just unfolded. The situation was now mine to navigate.
That night, I climbed into bed with a heavy heart… and I simply prayed…
‘Lord Jesus, show me how to handle this.’”
I felt as if God gave me clarity, and this is what I did.
The next morning, with discretion, I asked my two boys to come into my bedroom.
I did not make a big deal. I did not lay on blame, get angry, or talk about who was at fault.
I simply said this, “Your behavior doesn’t just affect you two… it affects our whole family and our vacation.” I am going to respectfully ask you to talk it out and resolve the issue so that LAST NIGHT doesn’t happen again.
They handled my confrontation as I thought they would.
They were respectful.
They honored me.
They reconciled.
What did that mean for the rest of our week together? It was peaceful, sweet, and connected. Was it without conflict? No. With that many people living together for a week it’s difficult to be conflict-free, but there was love and laughter throughout.
That moment reminded me of something I’ve come to believe after years of being a mom…
What we cultivate in our homes—intentionally—shapes everything.
What We Cultivate Matters
One of the greatest misconceptions about intentional parenting is believing it means creating the perfect family. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Our homes will experience conflict. Our children will make mistakes. We will make mistakes.
Intentional parenting isn’t about controlling every outcome. It’s about being purposeful with what we allow, what we teach, what we model, and what we prioritize every single day.
Small choices repeated consistently over time shape the culture of our homes and the relationships we form.
We put our best foot forward and let God do the rest.
God’s Blueprint for Parenting
One of my favorite passages about parenting comes from Deuteronomy 6.
God tells His people to love Him wholeheartedly and to impress His commandments on their children—to talk about them throughout ordinary moments of everyday life: when sitting at home, walking along the road, lying down, and getting up.
Deuteronomy 6:5-9 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
In other words…Be intentional.
Faith wasn’t meant to be something we simply teach during Bible time. It’s woven into everyday life.
The conversations around the dinner table.
The correction after a hard moment.
The hugs after discipline.
The prayers before bed.
The ordinary moments become the extraordinary ones.
The Four Pillars of Intentional Parenting
After all these years, I find myself returning to four pillars over and over again.
- Love
- Respect
- Connection
- Identity
These pillars have shaped the culture of our home more than anything else. Each one encompasses different principles and practices we use in our home.
Love
When we introduce the love of God, show our children that love, offer them unconditional love as God gave to us, and teach them how to love well, we are building a foundation on which our home stands.
You can check out my post Creating A Home Rooted In Love to dig deeper into this pillar.
Respect
Respect teaches our children how to honor God, respect us as their parents, and respect others. I can’t emphasize respect enough.
Tim Keller says this,
“It’s respect for your parents that is the basis for every other kind of respect and every other kind of authority.”
NURTURING A CULTURE OF RESPECT IN YOUR HOME HAS THE POWER TO TRANSFORM IT
It seems we’re living in a time when respect is becoming increasingly uncommon, making it more important than ever to intentionally teach it in our homes.
Our culture often tells us that people must earn our respect before they deserve it. But Scripture offers a different perspective.
As followers of Christ, we are called to honor and respect others because every person is created in the image of God—Imago Dei. That doesn’t mean we agree with every choice someone makes or ignore sinful behavior. It means we recognize the inherent value and dignity God has given every human being.
I’ll dive deeper into this biblical understanding of respect in a future post, but if you’d like to explore it further now, you can also read more in my post…The Importance of Teaching Respect at Home
Connection
Connection builds the bridge that allows our influence to reach their hearts.
You can have all the rules in the world…
but,
if your child doesn’t feel connected to you, they won’t receive your correction.
Let’s go back to the story of my sons. The next morning, when I pulled them aside, it WASN’T coming from a place of anger; it WAS coming from a place of connection.
- My boys know I love them.
- They know I am for them.
- They know I am for our family.
So when the correction came—when I said, “This affects our whole family”—they were able to receive it.
And here’s the beautiful part…It didn’t end with correction.
There was connection on the other side too.
❤️ Connection
↓
Correction
↓
❤️ Connection
After I spoke with them, I gave them both a hug, told them I loved them, and said, now it is up to you, and I left the room.
They were in the room for about 20 minutes.
- They responded with respect.
- They made it right with each other.
- And peace was restored.
Identity
Identity reminds them who God says they are in a world constantly trying to define them.
Why is identity important? Because the world is very loud right now about telling our kids who they are. As moms…we have to be louder. And I don’t mean louder in volume…but louder in consistency.
We as moms need to speak identity into our children.
I’m reminded of one of my favorite books… The Help. The main character, Aibilene Clark, spoke these words into the little girl she was taking care of.
“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”
This is a model of intentionally speaking identity into your children. When we speak identity into our children…we’re really just echoing what God has already spoken over us.
Remind your child of these truths from God’s word.
- You are a child of God 1 John 3:1 “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God”
- You are loved. Jeremiah 31:3 “I have loved you with an everlasting love.“
- You are chosen. 1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession.”
- You were created for a purpose. Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
And I could go on and on.
I will dig deeper into the topic of connection and how to achieve it in an upcoming post.
No matter whether you’re raising toddlers or teenagers or have adult children, the pillars of love, respect, connection, and identity remain the same. They simply look different in each season. If you are a parent of an adult child you might want to check out my post Letting Go While Holding On: Staying Connected in the Empty Nest Season
Progress Over Perfection
If you’re reading this and thinking about all the things you’ve done wrong, let me gently encourage you.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I still do.
Remember…Parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up every day, asking God for wisdom, and making one intentional choice after another. Those small choices matter far more than you realize.
Whether your child is four or twenty-four, your influence isn’t over. Our children are almost 36, 33, 30, and 25, and we have the privilege of watching a life of intention that someone taught us about so many years ago bear fruit.
We certainly weren’t perfect, but by God’s grace, we sought to build a legacy of faith, love, and intentionality. Today, we’re seeing our children pass those same values on to our grandchildren, and nothing could bring us greater joy.
In some ways, they are doing it even better than us, and for this we are so grateful to God.
It’s never too late to begin parenting with greater purpose.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be diving deeper into the pillars of respect, connection, and identity—and sharing practical ways you can begin building the relationship with your children that you hope to enjoy for years to come.
Because the relationship you want tomorrow is being built by the choices you make today.
And if you really want to dig in to intentional motherhood, you can get my Intentional Motherhood and Home course straight into your inbox. The Intentional Motherhood and Home course teaches Christian moms how to move “from winging it to crushing it” by intentionally shaping their family’s daily rhythms, values, faith, and home environment—helping them build strong roots and wings for their children all through a purpose-driven, biblically grounded approach.
Join me for this 5-module experience designed to help you bring intention into your daily rhythms, cultivate a Christ-centered home, and build lasting, heart-connected relationships with your children.
God Bless,
Kim ❤️
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